Snowy the Snowman

Today I took my son out to play in the snow with different dyes mixed with water so it created a paint. I then presumed to put the so called paint in a squirt gun! It was a blast! We also made "snowy" the snowman. I adore my son and I loved seeing him have so much fun.

On Monday we are trying play group. I am hoping that this time it goes well.  He needs more interaction with children his own age. He is also becoming very attached to me. I am hoping that he doesn't have the same problem I did at the age, being shy and not meeting other kids until it was too late. So I hope the experiences he has are good.

My son is my world. Does anyone else have any fun activities that you do with your kids?

~Bethany~

So I am on my way to success again. I want my son and I to have a better life then we have now. A life we can call our own. I realize our family has been very supportive and that is a life, but over the last few days Liam has been asking about what happened to our house and why we are living with papa and nene again. I let him know that we lost it because our land lady wanted to sell it but we will find a new place to live and that this is our home, but he still has a lot of unasked and unanswered questions. He may only be almost 3 but he remembers everything.

He has been very sick for the last few days and has still made no progress on wanting to see his father. Honestly, that concerns me. Liam will go with a perfect stranger, so why does he not want to go with his own father? I know Liam loves him.. I am lost for words on this.

Potty training was attempted at and he did very good for the first few hours but then he didn't want to use the potty anymore after that. I refuse to force him to use it if he doesn't want to. Any suggestions?

On good news we got a new car, which I bought outright because I didnt want to get stuck in a monthly payment that I couldnt committ to. Cars break down too often for that, so I decided that I would rather have it break down and pay for the parts myself.

Work hasnt been the same sense I stepped down as manager. I want to go back for my LNA so badly, I just dont know where I will be able to come up with the money for this...

wish me luck!
~Bethany

Fucked up Valentines Day

So after my long shift at work today I got a nice message saying hey you wanna go on a date from one of my exes. I was super excited until I realized when I got there that he just wanted sex. At first I thought he was genuine until after he asked me for a blow job about an hour into the date.. and when we started getting hot and heavy kissing, mentioned his date tomorrow with another woman. I lost my cool and was like, "I can not believe you just said that" and eventually said "Get out of my car" and he is like "Can you at least give me a ride back to my car" I was all like "NOO! You can walk!!" I feel bad for making him walk so I turned my car around and asked him if he wanted a ride and he was like: "I am sorry how it all went down" and I said "me too your a scum bag who tries to make woman sleep with you. Your pathetic and an asshole." And he was like "Leave me alone, you know thats not true." I was like "Fine whatever, your loss."

What an awful Valentine he was huh?

I am soo sick of guys. I just feel like I am never going to find a good guy to be with who will love me for me... is that so much to ask for? I would assume not.. but I guess I was wrong..

WHAT GUY WOULD DO THAT? APPARENTLY ANY GUY I'VE EVER MET.

I just want to pick a good guy.. just once. If your out there please find me... and soon..

Love,

The Broken Hearted Bethany

No Self Confidence...

All things aside. I stepped down from my position as a supervisor because I did not agree at all with the companies ethics. So I chose to step down and pursue being a mentor and helping people again. I also chose to go for my LNA. I want to make a difference in this world. I guess apart of me is afraid that I cant because I am too busy saying that I am sorry to everyone for mistakes that are just plain ridicolous!

Did you ever know anyone in your life that made you wanna pull your hair out and scream?

That has been my entire life... I guess I should think about getting some ear plugs..

Life is full of wonderful things. I just wish my self-confidence was one of those wonderful things and people would stop smoldering it with their heavy conversations and self-centered egotistical views.

I have worked so hard to come this far. To make a life for myself and my son as a single mom. My ex- husband wasn't the easiest person to deal with during the court process, divorce process.. or even now. He thinks he can walk all over me and needs constant control over every situation concerning our son. I feel Liam can make his own decisions. He is my little boy and I want whats best for him. But I feel his father thinks what is best for him is constant control over every circumstance. If that's continuously the case then Liam will never know what fun is. I understand there has to be limitations to every child's actions but they should be able to chose what they would like and not be scolded for it.

Then you have my work place. My bosses felt they could walk all over me and basically make me do their work for them. How is that fair? I guess life isn't but regardless I get paid to do my own work, not the work load of my own and someone else's. I think in the end that ended up hurting my chance for success in that position. And the backstabbing was just out of control! I can not believe what some people were saying about me. It was excruciatingly painful to hear and I felt that a lot of people held grudges against me for something I was told to do by somebody else, almost being set up to fail on purpose by a bunch of egotistical jackasses.

I just feel at this point in my life that there are some very cruel and dishonest people out there, but I chose not to be one of them. I will fight for my son to have a good life, good job or not, exes opinions or not. I am his mom and he needs to know that I am in charge. I want him to come to me with his problems and not be afraid, but also to know when I stand firm on certain subjects. I feel this is important.

Honestly, there is a whole entire story about why I have no self-confidence. It isn't a very heart-warming story. Its an excuse that I hid behind due to lack of self-confidence. Its my fault I have no self-confidence not anyone else's. So why cant my chunky butt just accept that?

~Bethany R. Boisvert

We.Will. Make. It: A peace of mind/need your advice

We.Will. Make. It: A peace of mind/need your advice: So, I am starting this blog to get out my feelings about everything my son and I have been through. He is my everything and I am concerned. I am worried about the way his father has been treating him on his visitation days. What should I do? I dont want to go back to court regarding this, because I have no proof. But Liam doesnt want to go with him and will continuously cry before he leaves to go with his father, screaming.. Does he have to go with him? I wish he didn't...

New to blogging

I am new to this! I hope I get some followers so I can follow other parenting blogs as well! <3 Beth

Sunshine.

He looked into my eyes like he loved me. I am such a fool to believe a guy like him could ever love a girl like me. At 5'5'' and pudgy I wasn't the homecoming queen or the most popular girl. He was all of that and more. What on the outside seemed like the perfect guy, his insides were full of mistakes, pride, stubbornness and a past that would later scream out and grab my heart strings, pulling them into knots of hurt and agony. But for this moment in time, for this very second, I overlooked that and stared at his angular jawline and masculine features thinking what a perfect creature God's very own hands sculpted. It's funny what a beautiful creature on the outside held back so much disillusion on the inside of his very soul. I did love him. In that moment in time. I held onto a love that would never last. A forbidden love because he was known to run. A cassanova that was not met for my hands to touch, to kiss, to make love. To make a baby that I held within my very stomach. A sweet little boy whose name would be Liam. He was safe in my stomach where the worlds hands would never be able to grasp the reality of the situation. Where he couldn't feel the web of lies that his mother was suffocating in. 

 

Life's a bitch and apparently so was I. Pregnancy was not easy for me. I am sure every woman has their own story but mine was a matter of protecting my sons life, and fighting for my own. I remember the magnesium drip, digging into my arm for four days. I remember the cathedar held up by a metal death contraption. I remember the pain of my first contraction when the doctors put the potassium into a place that you cant even imagine  But most of all I remember the 12 hours of pushing and screaming at the doctor to make sure my baby was safe and that I would do anything in the world to get the baby out of me. My husband stood by my side, his handsome face ashen.. and most of all, young. I held the baby in my arms. My beautiful son before they took him away from me. 

And all I remember is blood. Lots of blood. And pain.Stitch 1, stitch 20. I could feel them all. All 47. " She's bleeding out"."She might not make it her blood pressure is sky rocketing".He just stared at me. Not afraid for me. Not showing any emotion but a sadness deep in his brown eyes. 

My son was 5 ibs 12 oz. We both made it. My miracle, my everything. I was happy, but his brown eyes reflected a disappointment that made my stomach turn inside out. At first everything seemed normal, but two weeks after Liam came home from the hospital and was embraced into his new life, our future was torn apart. He ran. He ran far and he looked back, laughing at me.  Mimicking me with a lost future of a house and children. Ah, the American Dream was forever gone for me and my son. Life is a bitch.I am too.Because he wanted to give my son up for adoption. I refused, holding onto my three week old son for dear life. Never giving up my sweet miracle baby boy with a smile that could break your heart. He lived across the street for 6 months, harassing me, bringing up the painful memories that haunted my dreams and made me wake up crying at night. I couldn't sleep in my bed for at least a month. I would hold my son and fall asleep in the recliner, the memories were too painful.. The bed too empty, the pain in my broken bleeding heart too much to bear...It was 3AM. My newborn son was crying and I was crying with him. My tears touching his sweet smelling skin. I wanted a good life for my son. I knew I could do it. But how?How could I, a 21 year old girl with no job, no house and no car take care of a little tiny baby boy?My mom came out and took my hand. "You can make it. You lived for this. You lived for him."I looked at my son and kissed him on the cheek and held his small little fingers on my finger and rocked him to sleep, singing, "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine", while he happily sucked on a bottle of formula and breast milk.My mom once told me, through the storm clouds and rain the sun will always shine. While it rained for awhile. It poured down on Liam and I. There are moments where I hung my head and cried. Moments where I lifted my head high and kept going on. I found a job working in retail, graveyard shift. Lifting heavy items unloading trucks from 9PM-7AM. I would get home early in the morning and take care of my two month old son. Get an hour of sleep and go back to work

. We would make it. I don't care what I had to do, but I would not fail my son, or myself. I HAD to. I NEEDED to. For my son. For him. For me. For my family... Failure isn't an option when you want to succeed so badly.I fell. And then I picked myself up and carried on

.It wasn't easy.I ran out of the house handing Liam to my mom. I ran to the beach. My favorite spot to go and think about things on a bench next to the lake.. and I would cry. How could he leave us? He promised he wouldn't! The anger, the hate engulfed me. But mostly the disappointment for my son broke my heart in two. He deserved the best, to have a father. I know that there were kids out there that didn't have one and were just fine.. but would Liam be? My worries ping-ponged across my brain, sending tears to my eyes and painful sobs out of my mouth. I walked back to the house and held my son, knowing that God gave me him for a reason. And I wanted to embrace him, needed to. So I did.I wanted to prove the world wrong. And myself right. So I found a great job working with people who had disabilities a few months later, making good enough money for Liam and I to start a life. And so.. we moved out of my parents house, leaving my husband across the street and started a life in a little snow-white cottage with a beautiful yard for my 6 month old to play in.

 He was bouncy and happy and sweet, and most of all he as my sunshine that got me through the storm.


Yet it wasn't over yet.Court hearings, paperwork, more court hearings.The divorce papers came on my birthday.. It ripped my healing heart apart even more.. it just seemed to much more real now. A lawyer was called, a court hearing scheduled. And so the battle began. Luckily, I had information that proved to the court that my ex was not a good dad for Liam to be around. At least not yet. They agreed and hired a GAL. A GAL that wasn't paid for the state. So visitation with supervision was granted. And Liam had to see his father once a month every Sunday. It killed me to think of his father possibly hurting him. If he would try to commit suicide and was willing to hurt himself, what else would he do to someone else? The thought killed me. It was too much to bare.I would fight for my sunshine, regardless of the rainy clouds and dark days.